To Bow at Temple Doors
We gather in the temple, flush with the memory of union, my nerves shiver when a direct encounter with god seems to be on the horizon. We're sitting with Jaguar medicine today, a molecule I have a very long history with, including the most terrifying and traumatic experience I've ever known. There are reasons we bow when entering sacred space, but to be a devotee to a god like fear is not something I was raised on so, in the spirit of a spiritual sovereignty, I am again bowing at temple doors.
The story of Job has been present in my psyche, I wonder what part of me still shakes his fists at god. It seems short sighted, and youthful. I know this indignation isn't true, but I don't feel it . There is still a forgiveness that has not yet ripened in me. I long for it's fruits, and so, these are the intentions I lay at the foot of the altar.
We're going in for 3 rounds. the dose is hard to quantify when serving a group, and so it is, I take first inhale.
I can tell I escaped a strong dose. My body is heavy, drenched in love. My sense of self pleasantly floating in and out of awareness, with the breeze I sway and smile, meeting waves of sensation, sweetly.
Joel comes to bring the second pipe to my lips. I finish my inhale, within seconds a quick "oh fuck" washes over me.
I've felt this before, and prepare myself to be annihilated once again, laying flat on the mat I breathe deeply. Layers of perception are falling off me by the second, breath by breath I'm being pushed into the familiar invitation I fear.
"I can't, I can't " the futility, in these words, softens me. everything slows down. I am surrounded by the embrace of ancestry, and with a single hand on my back, "it's ok" I give in, dissolve completely.
I am not yet ripe enough a poet to put words to the ineffable, and so...
Slowly I'm returning to my body, I notice I've been crying for sometime. My chest shaking, the words moving through me again and again,
"I've always loved you, I've never left, I'm always here, its ok, it's ok it's always been ok."
Crying, shaking, and the biggest grin on my face. I hear the others in the space screaming, Celebration and exaltation. The flower, The crown jewel of consciousness, the dance, this life. God damn it, I'm finally in on the joke, as I bite into the fruits of Ecstatic forgiveness.